Understanding Automatic thoughts is a good place to start  this process (called metacognitive process).

Automatic thoughts are the thoughts and images that involuntarily pop into our conscious (or just below if they are habitual). They make up how we “read” a situation. Understanding your automatic thoughts  can influence change in a variety of situations.

Here are some examples:

• You are at work and you see a look of disapproval on your boss’ face in response to something you have given him. Your automatic thought (AT) is  ”Oh no, he thinks I am stupid, I will never get promoted”.
• You are at a social gathering where  someone looks at you inquisitively,  your AT is “That person does not like me! What did I do wrong?”
• You are in cab and the driver runs into traffic, your AT is “What’s wrong with you? Why  didn’t you  know to take the other route, you idiot?!”

AT’s are dangerous because usually we take for granted that they are True. Even more dangerous, we have a tendency to accept them as the only explanation or view of the scenario.  Reactive behavior is based on automatic thinking.

In CBT, we examine the automatic thoughts to see just how accurate or functional they really are. That is called reality testing. When we reality test we often find there were other avenues we could have taken with our responses.

It does not necessarily mean that our original opinion or automatic thoughts are  entirely wrong, but rather it helps us to integrate the perspective of others or reduce  biases that create extreme reactions to events.
By reality testing and other methods of examining our automatic thoughts we can then behave proactively, including problem solving in improve situations.
So going back to our examples, when we reality test and practice replacing the automatic thought with a more helpful one we come up with:

• When you see a look of disapproval on your boss’ face in response to something you have given him. Your replacement thought can be  ”He is not pleased with the project, so  let me ask him what I can do to improve it”.
• So when you see someone look at you inquisitively,  your replacement thought can be  ”That person does not seem to be happy, let me go over and see if I can address any misunderstanding or help “
• You are in cab and the driver runs into traffic, your replacement thought can be  ” Maybe I can ask him if there is another route he knows of? “

The best part of this method of thinking and responding is that there is no down side in attempting to improve on any situation!

These biases and extreme reactions come out in stressful or emotional situations because our automatic thoughts are based on beliefs we have about ourselves, others and the world in which we live . These are called core beliefs or schema. These core beliefs and schema show up in the form of expectations, assumptions and judgments and are  reinforced by our reactive behavior and thought patterns.

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So since I am wondering what you came up with, thought I’d enlighten you with some information about how we normally think when interpreting the behaviors of others.

When interpreting the cause of someone’s behavior we are more likely to think the reason has more to do with a personal reason than attribute it to a situational factor. For example, when a friend fails to call you, you are more likely to see their behavior as disinterested, rude, carelessness or disorganized, rather than to weigh heavily that they may be busy at work, talking to someone else, in a quiet or too noisy of a place or with no cell phone reception.

However, the opposite is true in situations that occur when we are the ones who don’t deliver. In these situations, we are likely to focus on the circumstances rather than attribute it to personal feelings. So when you are guilty for not calling a friend, you are more likely to think about the fact that you are busy at work or bogged down with the kids rather than connect it to not caring or dislike.

Remember this the next time you feel disappointed by the activities of others. You may want to ask about their actions before you assess personal blame. You may want to consider more heavily what circumstances were occurring at the time.

Also the next time you disappoint someone you may want to consider making sure they have not attached more of a personalization to it than you have. Regardless of your intentions or attributions, it still might sting. You can do this is a number of ways but usually open communication works best.

Dr. Jayme

Dealing with disappointment can be disheartening to say the least. No one likes to be confronted with the revelation of “NO”. No one likes to be told what they wanted is not available, that their needs will not be honored or what they expected is not likely to occur.

However, how you handle yourself in these situations can determine just how far your level of disappointment goes, whether it stops at a healthy level of frustration, or whether it escalates to more intense levels of anger and hostility.

When we are frustrated or angry it is because we are facing an obstacle.  This obstacle can be apparent or perceived.  There is something, someone and/or a set up circumstances standing in our way.  We are angry because we see this as unfair!

Instrumental aggression is the behavior that occurs when we are feeling mild to moderate frustration.  This can be described as “means to an end” type of behavior.  In these situations we feel frustration in response to the obstacle, but it ignites us to get our act in gear and work harder.  We consider alternative ways to get our needs met or ways to work around the obstacle.  We avoid behavior that is unnecessary and counterproductive to our goal. Some examples include aggressively negotiating the sale of your home, a football player defensively tackling an opposing team member, or a lawyer presenting an opposing argument in a court of law.

On the other hand, hostile aggression occurs when we are expressing negative emotions such as anger or disgust. During these times we are less goal oriented and therefore less likely to reduce our disappointment by coming up with a viable solution. Instead we are more likely to do something to instigate the problem as well as your hostile mood. Some examples include a fist fight between opponents on a rival team, a hostile customer yelling at the service representative assigned to assist them; or a name calling screaming match between two lovers feeling insecure.

The path from frustration to aggression is a complex one based on our physiological make up, prior learning and our attributions (see my post on Attribution and Blame). With insight and practice we can learn to control this path so that we more likely to behave in ways more consistent with instrumental aggression and avoid emotional, impulsive, reactions that we usually come to regret.

What to do: Start by

1. Calm down- Time- outs work because they give you time to gain the psychological distance needed to see things from a more rational position.  It also gives our body a chance to calm down. Remember there’s a mind-body connection, so if you are feeling hot, you are likely to behave hotheadedly! Start slow diaphragmatic breathing (See my post on breathing), go for a walk or tell the person who need to call them back. Don’t be embarrassed to ask for a few minutes. Most people will respect your ability to be more Zen, admire your strength and  thank you for it later .
2. Minimize the apologizing-  Sorry is nice and often expressing sorrow is necessary to make things “right”, but despite who is at fault sometimes sorry just does not cut it or can be too soon. If someone is hounding you to “feel better” right away this is probably because they feel bad, however this may make you feel as though you are being foolish for feeling disappointed.  Don’t rush to say its okay right away.  Feeling forced is partially what triggered you to be upset to begin with. Instead acknowledge your disappointment, and let them know how they can help you with the problem.
3. Set a time frame. Don’t catastrophize things by thinking as though it’s endless. Let others & yourself know your feelings won’t last forever. Give yourself a time frame to keep the perspective.
4. Understand & Identify the components: Identify what you are disappointed about.  It could be something concrete like a material possession or something more abstract such as support from a mentor or support from a spouse.  Next, try to identify the barriers you face and what is triggering your frustration. NOTE THESE ARE NOT ALWAYS THE SAME THING!

Ask yourself how significant those barriers really are or are you wasting your time, energy and attention on something that is not that important? Would you be better off investing those resources somewhere else?

5. Accept the loss- People who are successful are successful because they don’t accept failure rather they measure opportunity loss in dollars and cents. Go back to No 4 and acknowledge what you have lost.  Set some real limits on the value.  Be as objective as possible.

6.Visualize Pro-Social Behaviors- Imagine how you aspire to perform in these situations. Often people who lose their cool feel embarrassed after how they behaved, although they might defend their actions publicly.  Instead of mentally agonizing over aggressiveness or tuning it out to avoid feeling bad, spend time thinking and visualizing who you want to be the next time you are told “no”.

7. Choice- Take control of the situation by generating or reminding yourself of available choices.  Frustration is also a good opportunity to brain storm and work around your obstacles in a productive way. Working around your obstacles can be seen as an opportunity to be more creative and aspire to set greater goals than just settling for statuesque. However if you are too busy being hostile you may miss those opportunities frustrating you further.

Please post comments or questions on the blog.

Thanks for reading.

Dr. Jayme