As we ring in the new year,   there are common traditions such as wishing everyone the healthiest, happiest and most abundant year! It’s also common place for most of us to  take a little time to reflect on the year that just passed.  Plus let’s not forget the  list of resolutions that most of us faithfully create year after year for what we  would like to accomplish in the year to come! 

The question is, does this process of reviewing where we have been and where we are going have any value ?  After all,  not too be cynical but the facts are  most of the resolutions made will be abandoned before February 1st and not seen or thought of again until the following December rolls around. 

 This   can be discouraging!  I often hear my clients complain ” when I pay close attention to the things I don’t  finish I   feel bad. Every year I don’t meet my goals and it makes me feel bad so why bother setting resolutions. However, I know I should quit smoking and everyone always says those who set future goals like a 5 year plan end up being the most successful. I feel stuck.”

    So should we  we bother to set resolutions and reflect on the past if it will only put us in a bad mood ?

Well on the flip side, if done correctly, reflecting on the past and setting intentions for the future does hold a lot of psychological value and research supports that it   CAN help us feel more satisfied and motivated. Yeah

So how do we achieve this. What to do :
1.  Start  by say good bye to 2011 properly .  Instead of mulling over what you didnt accomplish this past year  including the long forgone resolutions of 2011  -make a ” What I  did do list”.

Research supports that those of us who take a hearty look at what we did accomplish are more liklely to feel satisfied about completing even mundane activities.  This is important,  because  it’s likely that you will continue to be  held accountable  for similar  mundane tasks in 2012 .

So instead of focusing on the fact that you’re  still not living in your dream home-  try thinking about what you did to keep your home comfortable and neat . For example , how many times you made your bed or ran the vacuum.

If you are not in a committed relationship  and are in search for a partner- try thinking  about how many dates you willed yourself to go on rather than stay home to  order in Chinese take out.

If you are 10lbs away from your ideal weight-  take  a look at how often you worked out.

Or rather than focusing on your failure to get that raise or promotion- count how many meetings you attended, how many new clients you signed up, take a guesstimate on how many business calls or emails you responded to.

2. Try to come up with an objective measures – like number of hours spent at the gym, the percentage of hours spent in meetings for work or the number of reports written.   Now a days technology makes it easy to track  and review….  Just pull out your electronic calendar or review your sent email box for attachments.

Not everything  needs to be monumentally important but failing to do many of these tasks most likely will cost you status and move you further away from your ideal situation. Plus this   feeling  of basic satisfaction will make it easier for you to do an equal or better job in 2012.

When setting resolutions here are some basic tips to that will help you complete the tasks or at least keep your progress going for longer than a month!

1.  Know  your limits.  Industry leaders commonly limit their top executives to set 3 primary goals when tackling new challenges.  I suggest keeping it to one if it’s involves a major life change such a losing weight or quitting smoking. Review your top goals regularly, which bring us to numero 2

2. Set monthly goals rather than an annual resolution. For example, say in 2012 you want to lose 25 lbs- well chances are you are not going to lose all 25 lbs in January – so break it up into chunks. How many networking events or conferences will you attend this month to help you get that raise?

3. Set physical intentions that will move you towards your outcome goals. Make an action plan that has targets to meet.  Rather than saying ” lose 25 lbs in 2012″ create a  intention list for how many days you will work out or  walk to work.  How many nights will offer to stay late at work? One of my favorite authors of “Getting Things Done”, David Allen calls these next actions steps not to do’s.

4. Track and record your progress daily or as often as you can.    This way you can look at what you have done and use it as a motivator to get back on track if you start to fall behind.

5. Reward your self regularly for small successes & largely for big deals!  The idea you are trying to promote internally is ” I almost have it, I just need to keep at it”    Not  ” I suck because I didn’t make it”. The idea is to shape your behavior in the right direction and keep you interested in working towards completing whatever goal you set up.

The video game industry has successfully exploited this psychological principle more than any other industry. Think about it, no matter how many times a player  may technically lose or ” die”,  gamers usually go back with the notion ” If I keep playing I’ll eventually win” .

6. Set up a pre-implementation plan for facing challenging moments:

“I know that when I go to my favorite restaurant it’s tempting for me to not eat all the french fries on my plate so I decide in advance to ask for a side salad.”

Or if you are trying to save money for that dream house then when you go shopping set a limited budget of cash and leave your credit cards at home.

7.  Enlist the help of others.  Share your goals by either signing up for organized program (eg, weight watchers ) or buddying up with a friend  or a life coach/therapist  who will hold you accountable .

Need more help? Dr Albin is offering a discount for the month of January for new clients who enroll in her success identity program. Which features goal setting sessions, personalized tracking systems and weekly check in to keep you accountable. We have  2 convenient NYC locations  

For example when someone we are close to makes a comment that feels  hurtful to you.

At the time the comment is made you have a choice between seeing it “as an innocent comment from a loved one who said something we would just  prefer not to hear ” or  as “an awful and intentionally hurtful” .

The  first way of thinking is allows us to preserve the underlying emotional connection in the relationships  while the second damages  the relationship and stores away emotional material about the event.  If you want this relationship to repair or stay healthy I suggest you to take on the first attitude as quickly and as much as possible.  

Recognizing that at the time of the infraction you are more likely to see it as more problematic and hurtful can help you can some mental flexibility and control.

The situations can range from personal conversations, to eating food in a restaurant, to giving a presentation at the office.

It’s helpful to break the cycle (see above) by reducing the frequency of escape and avoidance while challenging faulty thoughts and reducing or managing physiological symptoms (heart racing, sweaty palms, short breathing). For more information please contact Dr Albin at DrJayme@AsktheCBT.com or 212-631-1133

Understanding Automatic thoughts is a good place to start  this process (called metacognitive process).

Automatic thoughts are the thoughts and images that involuntarily pop into our conscious (or just below if they are habitual). They make up how we “read” a situation. Understanding your automatic thoughts  can influence change in a variety of situations.

Here are some examples:

• You are at work and you see a look of disapproval on your boss’ face in response to something you have given him. Your automatic thought (AT) is  ”Oh no, he thinks I am stupid, I will never get promoted”.
• You are at a social gathering where  someone looks at you inquisitively,  your AT is “That person does not like me! What did I do wrong?”
• You are in cab and the driver runs into traffic, your AT is “What’s wrong with you? Why  didn’t you  know to take the other route, you idiot?!”

AT’s are dangerous because usually we take for granted that they are True. Even more dangerous, we have a tendency to accept them as the only explanation or view of the scenario.  Reactive behavior is based on automatic thinking.

In CBT, we examine the automatic thoughts to see just how accurate or functional they really are. That is called reality testing. When we reality test we often find there were other avenues we could have taken with our responses.

It does not necessarily mean that our original opinion or automatic thoughts are  entirely wrong, but rather it helps us to integrate the perspective of others or reduce  biases that create extreme reactions to events.
By reality testing and other methods of examining our automatic thoughts we can then behave proactively, including problem solving in improve situations.
So going back to our examples, when we reality test and practice replacing the automatic thought with a more helpful one we come up with:

• When you see a look of disapproval on your boss’ face in response to something you have given him. Your replacement thought can be  ”He is not pleased with the project, so  let me ask him what I can do to improve it”.
• So when you see someone look at you inquisitively,  your replacement thought can be  ”That person does not seem to be happy, let me go over and see if I can address any misunderstanding or help “
• You are in cab and the driver runs into traffic, your replacement thought can be  ” Maybe I can ask him if there is another route he knows of? “

The best part of this method of thinking and responding is that there is no down side in attempting to improve on any situation!

These biases and extreme reactions come out in stressful or emotional situations because our automatic thoughts are based on beliefs we have about ourselves, others and the world in which we live . These are called core beliefs or schema. These core beliefs and schema show up in the form of expectations, assumptions and judgments and are  reinforced by our reactive behavior and thought patterns.

Visit Sculpt NYC for a health and wellness application http://sculptnyc.wordpress.com/2011/03/11/automatic-thinking-reactive-eating/

For more information about Cognitive Behavior Therapy or Integrative Yoga Therapy please contact Dr. Jayme Albin DrJayme@AsktheCBT.com 212-631-1133

This is because when someone else’s behavior exceeds OUR personal expectations in either a positive or negative way we feel a strong emotional response. So in the early stages it’s easy to extend beyond our  limited expectations. Thus, it’s common to frequently experience intense joy and excitement or grave disappointment and frustration when any relationship begins.

For example, if someone you are newly dating calls you to say “hello” in the middle of your day, you may feel a flutter of excitement. This is the same process that leaves you feeling “turned off” when a new acquaintance acts rudely towards you.

In the later stages

The longer we engage in the relationship, the more our expectations grow and become ingrained as a part of everyday life.

As a result positive and negative emotions occur when the other person’s behavior breaks or exceeds the  expectations-you-have-melded-together in such a way that it interrupts “typical on-going behaviors.”   So, when things are running smoothly, there are fewer interruptions and less intense emotions.

So now, not only do you begin to expect that phone call,
…. you become annoyed when it does not come
….while at the same time,  your sense of excitement for the call wears off.

Detrimental

Under estimating how important that particular call is a detrimental-habit that occurs in many long -term relationships. In fact according to Ellen Berscheid’s “Emotion-in-Relationships Model” partners in long-term romantic relationships are most likely to underestimate their emotional investment in the relationship when things are running smoothly. Under estimating the value of something often leads to neglect, lack of appreciation, and thus often a soured relationship.

So since I am wondering what you came up with, thought I’d enlighten you with some information about how we normally think when interpreting the behaviors of others.

When interpreting the cause of someone’s behavior we are more likely to think the reason has more to do with a personal reason than attribute it to a situational factor. For example, when a friend fails to call you, you are more likely to see their behavior as disinterested, rude, carelessness or disorganized, rather than to weigh heavily that they may be busy at work, talking to someone else, in a quiet or too noisy of a place or with no cell phone reception.

However, the opposite is true in situations that occur when we are the ones who don’t deliver. In these situations, we are likely to focus on the circumstances rather than attribute it to personal feelings. So when you are guilty for not calling a friend, you are more likely to think about the fact that you are busy at work or bogged down with the kids rather than connect it to not caring or dislike.

Remember this the next time you feel disappointed by the activities of others. You may want to ask about their actions before you assess personal blame. You may want to consider more heavily what circumstances were occurring at the time.

Also the next time you disappoint someone you may want to consider making sure they have not attached more of a personalization to it than you have. Regardless of your intentions or attributions, it still might sting. You can do this is a number of ways but usually open communication works best.

Dr. Jayme

* Do you have difficulty in some situations expressing thoughts, feelings or personal desires?
* Does fear of disapproval hinder your performance?
* Do you find saying “No” so difficult that you commonly endure undesired activity
* Do you have a pattern of suppressing bad feelings until one single event triggers explosions of resentment?
* Do you anticipate rejection or failure if assertive?
* Do you fear all conflict so much that you avoid stating your opinion?
* Do you avoid or suffer high levels of anxiety or discomfort in certain social interactions?
* Do you find yourself ruminating or consumed with worry when facing a threatening situation?
* Do you avoid dating or meeting new people?

If you answered yes to some of these questions, then you would probably benefit greatly from Group or Individual Cognitive Behavior Therapy for Social Shyness and Assertion Training.

Join me on Dec 20th for an extensive talk on what group therapy can do for you. I will be starting a new therapy group come the beginning of January and am looking for new members who are interested in expanding their lives and social skills.

Date: Sunday, December 20, 2009
Time: 3:00pm – 4:00pm
Location: Dr Albin West Midtown Office
36 West 44th Street `
Btw 5th & 6th Suite 701
New York, NY 10036
212-631-1133

RSVP Here on Meetup.com

Cognitive Behavior Therapy New York, NY

Dealing with disappointment can be disheartening to say the least. No one likes to be confronted with the revelation of “NO”. No one likes to be told what they wanted is not available, that their needs will not be honored or what they expected is not likely to occur.

However, how you handle yourself in these situations can determine just how far your level of disappointment goes, whether it stops at a healthy level of frustration, or whether it escalates to more intense levels of anger and hostility.

When we are frustrated or angry it is because we are facing an obstacle.  This obstacle can be apparent or perceived.  There is something, someone and/or a set up circumstances standing in our way.  We are angry because we see this as unfair!

Instrumental aggression is the behavior that occurs when we are feeling mild to moderate frustration.  This can be described as “means to an end” type of behavior.  In these situations we feel frustration in response to the obstacle, but it ignites us to get our act in gear and work harder.  We consider alternative ways to get our needs met or ways to work around the obstacle.  We avoid behavior that is unnecessary and counterproductive to our goal. Some examples include aggressively negotiating the sale of your home, a football player defensively tackling an opposing team member, or a lawyer presenting an opposing argument in a court of law.

On the other hand, hostile aggression occurs when we are expressing negative emotions such as anger or disgust. During these times we are less goal oriented and therefore less likely to reduce our disappointment by coming up with a viable solution. Instead we are more likely to do something to instigate the problem as well as your hostile mood. Some examples include a fist fight between opponents on a rival team, a hostile customer yelling at the service representative assigned to assist them; or a name calling screaming match between two lovers feeling insecure.

The path from frustration to aggression is a complex one based on our physiological make up, prior learning and our attributions (see my post on Attribution and Blame). With insight and practice we can learn to control this path so that we more likely to behave in ways more consistent with instrumental aggression and avoid emotional, impulsive, reactions that we usually come to regret.

What to do: Start by

1. Calm down- Time- outs work because they give you time to gain the psychological distance needed to see things from a more rational position.  It also gives our body a chance to calm down. Remember there’s a mind-body connection, so if you are feeling hot, you are likely to behave hotheadedly! Start slow diaphragmatic breathing (See my post on breathing), go for a walk or tell the person who need to call them back. Don’t be embarrassed to ask for a few minutes. Most people will respect your ability to be more Zen, admire your strength and  thank you for it later .
2. Minimize the apologizing-  Sorry is nice and often expressing sorrow is necessary to make things “right”, but despite who is at fault sometimes sorry just does not cut it or can be too soon. If someone is hounding you to “feel better” right away this is probably because they feel bad, however this may make you feel as though you are being foolish for feeling disappointed.  Don’t rush to say its okay right away.  Feeling forced is partially what triggered you to be upset to begin with. Instead acknowledge your disappointment, and let them know how they can help you with the problem.
3. Set a time frame. Don’t catastrophize things by thinking as though it’s endless. Let others & yourself know your feelings won’t last forever. Give yourself a time frame to keep the perspective.
4. Understand & Identify the components: Identify what you are disappointed about.  It could be something concrete like a material possession or something more abstract such as support from a mentor or support from a spouse.  Next, try to identify the barriers you face and what is triggering your frustration. NOTE THESE ARE NOT ALWAYS THE SAME THING!

Ask yourself how significant those barriers really are or are you wasting your time, energy and attention on something that is not that important? Would you be better off investing those resources somewhere else?

5. Accept the loss- People who are successful are successful because they don’t accept failure rather they measure opportunity loss in dollars and cents. Go back to No 4 and acknowledge what you have lost.  Set some real limits on the value.  Be as objective as possible.

6.Visualize Pro-Social Behaviors- Imagine how you aspire to perform in these situations. Often people who lose their cool feel embarrassed after how they behaved, although they might defend their actions publicly.  Instead of mentally agonizing over aggressiveness or tuning it out to avoid feeling bad, spend time thinking and visualizing who you want to be the next time you are told “no”.

7. Choice- Take control of the situation by generating or reminding yourself of available choices.  Frustration is also a good opportunity to brain storm and work around your obstacles in a productive way. Working around your obstacles can be seen as an opportunity to be more creative and aspire to set greater goals than just settling for statuesque. However if you are too busy being hostile you may miss those opportunities frustrating you further.

Please post comments or questions on the blog.

Thanks for reading.

Dr. Jayme

There are 6 basic types of social power that influence others…which type are you?
If you have ever wondered why some people seem to be more effective at influencing the opinions and behaviors of others, consider the social power possessed by the “influencer” and the role-identity of the “followers”.

Social power can be thought of as simply reasons why one person can get others to do what he wants to. There are six basic types of social power:

1. Reward power is when the holder of the power has the potential to dole out either material or social rewards. Attention, affection and sex fall into this category.  So do bonuses, salary and gifts.

2. Coercive power exists when others comply to avoid any type of punishment. This can be a time out, public humiliation (gossip), social discord, a verbal or physical reprimand, financial penalties, jail, etc.

3. Legitimate power is based on the notion of “it just is”. Whereby, someone responds to someone’s request simply because they are a designated as an authority figure such as “teacher”, “leader”, “parent”, or “boss”. Followers respond to their requests just because they are “supposed to”.

4. Referent power is often combined with Legitimate Power when you like or admirer your boss or teacher. The power to influence comes with being admired and respected, when the person wants to be like you or wants to be held in high regard in return.

5. Expert power is when someone has superior skills or training so followers comply with their requests because they assume they know more and can lead others towards better decisions. This can obviously apply to situations at the office or when consulting with advisers, such as doctors, lawyers or accountants, but it also comes into play in more subtle situations. For example, we may defer to someone’s  lead simply because they are more familiar with the place, people or situations than we are. This occurs in social setting where new comers often look for experienced members to “show them the ropes”, thus temporarily one person is deemed the expert and assumes that role.

6. Information Power is when someone posses a specific piece information that we see as valuable. Thus we follow their requests in order to get them to share the information we are looking to obtain.

Role identity is basically how people  want to be seen in a given situation.   This translates into what motivates them.  For example, a 30 year-old, single female attending a social engagement who wants to be seen as sexy, attractive and articulate to men would respond positively to the reward power of a compliment from a viable suitor since it would validate her  role-identity.  So in order for the compliment to be powerful in its ability to influence it must be seen as valuable enough by the followers to warrant the required behavior.

Persuading others is not always easy, in management or leadership situations if you are liked (referent) and seen as a skilled /knowledgeable (expert) you will have the power to influence the performance and opinions of others since referent power combined with expert power in leadership roles tend to be the most effective.

Please comment here on the blog what types of power you think work best for you and it what situations.

Dr. Jayme

Often I hear people talk about how their anxiety has become an obstacle in their daily life functioning, preventing them from fulfilling life’s ambitions. For example, they might feel uncomfortable dining with others, so much that they avoid dating; yet complain of loneliness. Or they may avoid speaking up in meetings, missing opportunities to share their opinions, leaving them feeling dissatisfied in their career.

Sometimes the avoidance patterns are even subtler, like those who avoid eye contact or never exchange a friendly smile with a stranger. These people usually feel as though they are not liked by others or talk about feeling very disconnected.

If you find yourself repeatedly avoiding situations because you feel uncomfortable or nervous, the best remedy to cure your anxiety is to not deter yourself from these situations. The more you avoid, the worse your anxiety will get.

Here’s basically why: our nervous system has a memory component. So once you experience anxiety in a situation, most likely your body will feel anxious the next time you are in a similar situation. This will continue until your body learns to remain relaxed in those situations. In order to do this, your body needs time to calm down. Repeated avoidance or escape from these situations deprives your body of this opportunity.

Not to mention, each time you avoid a close encounter you end up rewarding the anxiety with a sense of relief. Thus, encouraging the anxiety to return, as well as increasing the likelihood you will continue to avoid.

What to do? Continue on to the next post The CBT’s Ten Ways to Stop Avoidance and find out.

http://askthecognitivebehaviortherapist.wordpress.com/2009/04/03/the-cbt%E2%80%99s-ten-ways-to-stop-avoidance/

1. Explain the situation from your point of view: How do you see the situation?

2. Express how you feel or felt

3. Make it known what it is you want exactly

4. Discuss how following your request will benefit you BOTH

Think of this in comparison to aggressive or passive behavior. When you are assertive you are simply stating what will make you feel happy /successful. By expressing it you are giving the other person time to honor your needs.

When you are aggressive you are essentially demanding that your needs be met over others. And when you are passive you are willing to give into others needs over your own.

Be careful though because sometimes being passive results in passive aggressive behavior, where you begrudgingly give into the needs of others while showing subtle signs of frustration or hostility. Some classic examples are when people slam doors or avoid social contact. Passive aggressive behaviors can be destructive to relationships no matter the setting, because it precludes most chances of an open and honest dialogue. So what generally follows is that one person will remain feeling dissatisfied since their needs are not getting met, while the other person is left to feel helplessly frustrated since they are clueless as to how to satisfy or rectify the situation. So while expressing what you need or want might make you feel vulnerable, remember it might also help you feel a lot more satisfied.

Dr. Jayme