Understanding Automatic thoughts is a good place to start  this process (called metacognitive process).

Automatic thoughts are the thoughts and images that involuntarily pop into our conscious (or just below if they are habitual). They make up how we “read” a situation. Understanding your automatic thoughts  can influence change in a variety of situations.

Here are some examples:

• You are at work and you see a look of disapproval on your boss’ face in response to something you have given him. Your automatic thought (AT) is  ”Oh no, he thinks I am stupid, I will never get promoted”.
• You are at a social gathering where  someone looks at you inquisitively,  your AT is “That person does not like me! What did I do wrong?”
• You are in cab and the driver runs into traffic, your AT is “What’s wrong with you? Why  didn’t you  know to take the other route, you idiot?!”

AT’s are dangerous because usually we take for granted that they are True. Even more dangerous, we have a tendency to accept them as the only explanation or view of the scenario.  Reactive behavior is based on automatic thinking.

In CBT, we examine the automatic thoughts to see just how accurate or functional they really are. That is called reality testing. When we reality test we often find there were other avenues we could have taken with our responses.

It does not necessarily mean that our original opinion or automatic thoughts are  entirely wrong, but rather it helps us to integrate the perspective of others or reduce  biases that create extreme reactions to events.
By reality testing and other methods of examining our automatic thoughts we can then behave proactively, including problem solving in improve situations.
So going back to our examples, when we reality test and practice replacing the automatic thought with a more helpful one we come up with:

• When you see a look of disapproval on your boss’ face in response to something you have given him. Your replacement thought can be  ”He is not pleased with the project, so  let me ask him what I can do to improve it”.
• So when you see someone look at you inquisitively,  your replacement thought can be  ”That person does not seem to be happy, let me go over and see if I can address any misunderstanding or help “
• You are in cab and the driver runs into traffic, your replacement thought can be  ” Maybe I can ask him if there is another route he knows of? “

The best part of this method of thinking and responding is that there is no down side in attempting to improve on any situation!

These biases and extreme reactions come out in stressful or emotional situations because our automatic thoughts are based on beliefs we have about ourselves, others and the world in which we live . These are called core beliefs or schema. These core beliefs and schema show up in the form of expectations, assumptions and judgments and are  reinforced by our reactive behavior and thought patterns.

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For more information about Cognitive Behavior Therapy or Integrative Yoga Therapy please contact Dr. Jayme Albin DrJayme@AsktheCBT.com 212-631-1133

Can acknowledging our own resourcefulness, “mental toughness” and stick-to-itiveness  be the fundamental difference between success and failure?

Self-efficacy relates to a person’s ability to have optimistic beliefs, but it’s more than just optimism, perceived self-efficacy explicitly refers to the belief in our ability to deal with challenging encounters. Thus it’s one’s belief that they have the capacity to organize & execute the necessary course of action to manage situations as they occur.

Self perceptions of self efficacy affect us in many ways:  thought patterns, actions and physical and emotional states of arousal. People with low self efficacy experience anxiety, hopelessness and anger.  They find it harder to bounce back after adversity.  Those with high self efficacy experience fulfillment and feelings of calmness that accompany decisiveness and certainty.  They are resilient to stress and are self motivating.

How does it affect our rate of success?

Self efficacy provides the foundation for human motivation, well being and personal accomplishments. The more we believe we can do, the more we invest and thus the greater likelihood we will accomplish our goals.

Empirical research has shown that belief in one’s ability to cope is a stronger predictor of success than objectively possessing the knowledge and operations skills necessary to get the task done.  This is because how we perceive our abilities impacts how we choose to utilize those tools in such a significant way, that it’s more valuable to the outcome than the quality and quantity of the tools themselves.

In our daily lives we make decisions about not only what course of action to pursue but how long to continue the behaviors we have undertaken.  Self efficacy affects how much effort and energy we invest in the decisions we make.

Therefore a positive outcome is not necessarily a matter of what is objectively true regarding knowledge or skills possessed at the time of the dilemma but rather a matter of attitude since self perception is more likely to influence behavior.

That’s why talented people can be plagued with self doubt while someone who is less talented will put themselves out there and get the task done.  Along the way the less talented person may experience some setbacks but they generally just ignore or discount them and maintain their perseverance.

What to do to build self efficacy:

As humans we have self regulatory mechanisms that provide us with the potential for self directed changes in our behavior.

The manner and degree to which people self regulate their actions are based on the ACCURACY and CONSISTENCY of self observation.  Ability to appropriately self -monitor and make judgments regarding one’s own choices need to be developed and sustained.

Start by being:

1. Mindful of your own emotions- Ask yourself at the top of each hour what primary emotions you are feeling and how likely they are to influence your behavior.
2. An Assumption Detective- Get in touch with your underlying attitudes and assumptions of individual decisions or hesitations (things you are avoiding) and investigate how truthful they are.   Use simple tasks to help develop the skill. For example if you decide to take a cab versus the train, the assumption may be that you will arrive sooner.  But is that necessarily true?  Ask yourself what could have happened if you had done the opposite? Then apply to things you are avoiding: if you don’t ask your boss for a raise is it because the assumption is that he will definitely say “No”. If you are not certain, then investigate before you let assumptions rule your actions.
3. Challenge your attributions: Attributions are the judgments we make about our own or the behaviors of others. Look for specific, situational causes to events rather than global, personalizations to explain things. This will give you a better blue print over where change in your behavior can occur.
4. Focus on Intent Vs Outcome: Set Tangible & Measurable Behavior Goals vs Subjective/ Outcome goals: Self motivators set personal behavior goals that encourage them to work in self directed ways. This involves measuring success by objective means that focus on intent versus outcome. For example, setting a goal of eating 1500 calories a day versus losing 5lbs or “trying to stay on your diet”. This is especially important since the most influential source of one’s self efficacy is the interpreted results of one’s previous performance.
5. Watch & Mimic an Expert Model: Through vicarious learning we can instill confidence that we are making the right decision simply because we have witnessed others be successful using similar strategies.
6. Avoid too much negative feedback & Surround yourself with Positivity: Social persuasion through feedback from others, including verbal judgments, constructive criticism and praise has a significant impact on how we rate our efforts.  And for the most part negative feedback can have a stronger impact than positive ones, therefore try to focus attention on strategies to utilize strengths and cope with weakness and avoid conversations or mental thoughts that involve berating yourself.
7. Meditate & Breath: Learn to calm Body Sensations and Emotional States- People have a tendency to gauge the degree of confidence by their emotional state as they contemplate an action.   Thus when we are anxious and hopeless we look to escape, convincing ourselves we should throw in the towel sooner, because they think ” Why bother it’s not going to work, so  what’s the point?

But the point is, as the famous Roman poet Virgil one’s wrote: “We are who we think we are-”. And one thing is certain, if we give up we definitely won’t win!

To contact Dr Jayme about individual or group therapy or corporate consultation please email DrJayme@AsktheCBT.com or 212-631-1133. Dr Albin is in private practice in Manhattan, New York and has many clients she provides phone or email services to.

This is because when someone else’s behavior exceeds OUR personal expectations in either a positive or negative way we feel a strong emotional response. So in the early stages it’s easy to extend beyond our  limited expectations. Thus, it’s common to frequently experience intense joy and excitement or grave disappointment and frustration when any relationship begins.

For example, if someone you are newly dating calls you to say “hello” in the middle of your day, you may feel a flutter of excitement. This is the same process that leaves you feeling “turned off” when a new acquaintance acts rudely towards you.

In the later stages

The longer we engage in the relationship, the more our expectations grow and become ingrained as a part of everyday life.

As a result positive and negative emotions occur when the other person’s behavior breaks or exceeds the  expectations-you-have-melded-together in such a way that it interrupts “typical on-going behaviors.”   So, when things are running smoothly, there are fewer interruptions and less intense emotions.

So now, not only do you begin to expect that phone call,
…. you become annoyed when it does not come
….while at the same time,  your sense of excitement for the call wears off.

Detrimental

Under estimating how important that particular call is a detrimental-habit that occurs in many long -term relationships. In fact according to Ellen Berscheid’s “Emotion-in-Relationships Model” partners in long-term romantic relationships are most likely to underestimate their emotional investment in the relationship when things are running smoothly. Under estimating the value of something often leads to neglect, lack of appreciation, and thus often a soured relationship.

So since I am wondering what you came up with, thought I’d enlighten you with some information about how we normally think when interpreting the behaviors of others.

When interpreting the cause of someone’s behavior we are more likely to think the reason has more to do with a personal reason than attribute it to a situational factor. For example, when a friend fails to call you, you are more likely to see their behavior as disinterested, rude, carelessness or disorganized, rather than to weigh heavily that they may be busy at work, talking to someone else, in a quiet or too noisy of a place or with no cell phone reception.

However, the opposite is true in situations that occur when we are the ones who don’t deliver. In these situations, we are likely to focus on the circumstances rather than attribute it to personal feelings. So when you are guilty for not calling a friend, you are more likely to think about the fact that you are busy at work or bogged down with the kids rather than connect it to not caring or dislike.

Remember this the next time you feel disappointed by the activities of others. You may want to ask about their actions before you assess personal blame. You may want to consider more heavily what circumstances were occurring at the time.

Also the next time you disappoint someone you may want to consider making sure they have not attached more of a personalization to it than you have. Regardless of your intentions or attributions, it still might sting. You can do this is a number of ways but usually open communication works best.

Dr. Jayme

* Do you have difficulty in some situations expressing thoughts, feelings or personal desires?
* Does fear of disapproval hinder your performance?
* Do you find saying “No” so difficult that you commonly endure undesired activity
* Do you have a pattern of suppressing bad feelings until one single event triggers explosions of resentment?
* Do you anticipate rejection or failure if assertive?
* Do you fear all conflict so much that you avoid stating your opinion?
* Do you avoid or suffer high levels of anxiety or discomfort in certain social interactions?
* Do you find yourself ruminating or consumed with worry when facing a threatening situation?
* Do you avoid dating or meeting new people?

If you answered yes to some of these questions, then you would probably benefit greatly from Group or Individual Cognitive Behavior Therapy for Social Shyness and Assertion Training.

Join me on Dec 20th for an extensive talk on what group therapy can do for you. I will be starting a new therapy group come the beginning of January and am looking for new members who are interested in expanding their lives and social skills.

Date: Sunday, December 20, 2009
Time: 3:00pm – 4:00pm
Location: Dr Albin West Midtown Office
36 West 44th Street `
Btw 5th & 6th Suite 701
New York, NY 10036
212-631-1133

RSVP Here on Meetup.com

Cognitive Behavior Therapy New York, NY

Dealing with disappointment can be disheartening to say the least. No one likes to be confronted with the revelation of “NO”. No one likes to be told what they wanted is not available, that their needs will not be honored or what they expected is not likely to occur.

However, how you handle yourself in these situations can determine just how far your level of disappointment goes, whether it stops at a healthy level of frustration, or whether it escalates to more intense levels of anger and hostility.

When we are frustrated or angry it is because we are facing an obstacle.  This obstacle can be apparent or perceived.  There is something, someone and/or a set up circumstances standing in our way.  We are angry because we see this as unfair!

Instrumental aggression is the behavior that occurs when we are feeling mild to moderate frustration.  This can be described as “means to an end” type of behavior.  In these situations we feel frustration in response to the obstacle, but it ignites us to get our act in gear and work harder.  We consider alternative ways to get our needs met or ways to work around the obstacle.  We avoid behavior that is unnecessary and counterproductive to our goal. Some examples include aggressively negotiating the sale of your home, a football player defensively tackling an opposing team member, or a lawyer presenting an opposing argument in a court of law.

On the other hand, hostile aggression occurs when we are expressing negative emotions such as anger or disgust. During these times we are less goal oriented and therefore less likely to reduce our disappointment by coming up with a viable solution. Instead we are more likely to do something to instigate the problem as well as your hostile mood. Some examples include a fist fight between opponents on a rival team, a hostile customer yelling at the service representative assigned to assist them; or a name calling screaming match between two lovers feeling insecure.

The path from frustration to aggression is a complex one based on our physiological make up, prior learning and our attributions (see my post on Attribution and Blame). With insight and practice we can learn to control this path so that we more likely to behave in ways more consistent with instrumental aggression and avoid emotional, impulsive, reactions that we usually come to regret.

What to do: Start by

1. Calm down- Time- outs work because they give you time to gain the psychological distance needed to see things from a more rational position.  It also gives our body a chance to calm down. Remember there’s a mind-body connection, so if you are feeling hot, you are likely to behave hotheadedly! Start slow diaphragmatic breathing (See my post on breathing), go for a walk or tell the person who need to call them back. Don’t be embarrassed to ask for a few minutes. Most people will respect your ability to be more Zen, admire your strength and  thank you for it later .
2. Minimize the apologizing-  Sorry is nice and often expressing sorrow is necessary to make things “right”, but despite who is at fault sometimes sorry just does not cut it or can be too soon. If someone is hounding you to “feel better” right away this is probably because they feel bad, however this may make you feel as though you are being foolish for feeling disappointed.  Don’t rush to say its okay right away.  Feeling forced is partially what triggered you to be upset to begin with. Instead acknowledge your disappointment, and let them know how they can help you with the problem.
3. Set a time frame. Don’t catastrophize things by thinking as though it’s endless. Let others & yourself know your feelings won’t last forever. Give yourself a time frame to keep the perspective.
4. Understand & Identify the components: Identify what you are disappointed about.  It could be something concrete like a material possession or something more abstract such as support from a mentor or support from a spouse.  Next, try to identify the barriers you face and what is triggering your frustration. NOTE THESE ARE NOT ALWAYS THE SAME THING!

Ask yourself how significant those barriers really are or are you wasting your time, energy and attention on something that is not that important? Would you be better off investing those resources somewhere else?

5. Accept the loss- People who are successful are successful because they don’t accept failure rather they measure opportunity loss in dollars and cents. Go back to No 4 and acknowledge what you have lost.  Set some real limits on the value.  Be as objective as possible.

6.Visualize Pro-Social Behaviors- Imagine how you aspire to perform in these situations. Often people who lose their cool feel embarrassed after how they behaved, although they might defend their actions publicly.  Instead of mentally agonizing over aggressiveness or tuning it out to avoid feeling bad, spend time thinking and visualizing who you want to be the next time you are told “no”.

7. Choice- Take control of the situation by generating or reminding yourself of available choices.  Frustration is also a good opportunity to brain storm and work around your obstacles in a productive way. Working around your obstacles can be seen as an opportunity to be more creative and aspire to set greater goals than just settling for statuesque. However if you are too busy being hostile you may miss those opportunities frustrating you further.

Please post comments or questions on the blog.

Thanks for reading.

Dr. Jayme

There are 6 basic types of social power that influence others…which type are you?
If you have ever wondered why some people seem to be more effective at influencing the opinions and behaviors of others, consider the social power possessed by the “influencer” and the role-identity of the “followers”.

Social power can be thought of as simply reasons why one person can get others to do what he wants to. There are six basic types of social power:

1. Reward power is when the holder of the power has the potential to dole out either material or social rewards. Attention, affection and sex fall into this category.  So do bonuses, salary and gifts.

2. Coercive power exists when others comply to avoid any type of punishment. This can be a time out, public humiliation (gossip), social discord, a verbal or physical reprimand, financial penalties, jail, etc.

3. Legitimate power is based on the notion of “it just is”. Whereby, someone responds to someone’s request simply because they are a designated as an authority figure such as “teacher”, “leader”, “parent”, or “boss”. Followers respond to their requests just because they are “supposed to”.

4. Referent power is often combined with Legitimate Power when you like or admirer your boss or teacher. The power to influence comes with being admired and respected, when the person wants to be like you or wants to be held in high regard in return.

5. Expert power is when someone has superior skills or training so followers comply with their requests because they assume they know more and can lead others towards better decisions. This can obviously apply to situations at the office or when consulting with advisers, such as doctors, lawyers or accountants, but it also comes into play in more subtle situations. For example, we may defer to someone’s  lead simply because they are more familiar with the place, people or situations than we are. This occurs in social setting where new comers often look for experienced members to “show them the ropes”, thus temporarily one person is deemed the expert and assumes that role.

6. Information Power is when someone posses a specific piece information that we see as valuable. Thus we follow their requests in order to get them to share the information we are looking to obtain.

Role identity is basically how people  want to be seen in a given situation.   This translates into what motivates them.  For example, a 30 year-old, single female attending a social engagement who wants to be seen as sexy, attractive and articulate to men would respond positively to the reward power of a compliment from a viable suitor since it would validate her  role-identity.  So in order for the compliment to be powerful in its ability to influence it must be seen as valuable enough by the followers to warrant the required behavior.

Persuading others is not always easy, in management or leadership situations if you are liked (referent) and seen as a skilled /knowledgeable (expert) you will have the power to influence the performance and opinions of others since referent power combined with expert power in leadership roles tend to be the most effective.

Please comment here on the blog what types of power you think work best for you and it what situations.

Dr. Jayme

See Thou Shall Not Avoid for Why .

Some basic ideas on how not to avoid and making approaching anxiety situations easier:

1. Make your own movie with imagery: Play out positive scenarios in your head. Use scenes from films or books to guide you but make sure you are the actor/actress in the film.

2. Role play: practice in front of a mirror or with a friend/therapist. Once you start it can be fun and extremely helpful.

3. Get a job or volunteer. If you see being social as part of your job you may come out of your shell.

4. Go for an hour! Set specific beginning and an end times.

For example, if you are nervous about attending a party. Commit to attending between 9pm and 10pm. Don’t give into to leaving when you feel like leaving. Inform the hostess in advance that you have another engagement or an early morning.

5. Ask one question or state one fact. In a meeting or in a group setting, make a point to say something at the least threatening part of the gathering. Usually this is the beginning or end.

6. Speed date: If dating is not your thing because you shy away from meeting new people or hate the asking out part. Try speed dating. It will help you get used to breaking the ice. Knowing each meeting is only 5 minutes will help you feel in control.

7. Talk to strangers. If you have a hard time meeting new people commit to talking to one new person a week. Start with people engaged in jobs that are designed to share information. For example, go to the local beer brewery and ask the bartender about beer or the person working in the local Barnes and nobles about what books they recommend. Usually people working in these positions are there because are knowledgeable and enjoy something about the topic.

8. Have someone go with you. Enlist a friend or a therapist. It will make things easier and maybe you can share a laugh.

9. Treat everyone the same for an hour. For an hour make an effort to smile at everyone that comes across your path. Make sure you ride the elevator or walk the halls during this hour.

10. Say good morning to everyone on a Monday. This will break the routine and set a stage for new habits.

By breaking down your behaviors into small, manageable acts you not only get to rid yourself of the anxiety, but your actual performance will improve. Just like when you ran teams drills in high school.

Often I hear people talk about how their anxiety has become an obstacle in their daily life functioning, preventing them from fulfilling life’s ambitions. For example, they might feel uncomfortable dining with others, so much that they avoid dating; yet complain of loneliness. Or they may avoid speaking up in meetings, missing opportunities to share their opinions, leaving them feeling dissatisfied in their career.

Sometimes the avoidance patterns are even subtler, like those who avoid eye contact or never exchange a friendly smile with a stranger. These people usually feel as though they are not liked by others or talk about feeling very disconnected.

If you find yourself repeatedly avoiding situations because you feel uncomfortable or nervous, the best remedy to cure your anxiety is to not deter yourself from these situations. The more you avoid, the worse your anxiety will get.

Here’s basically why: our nervous system has a memory component. So once you experience anxiety in a situation, most likely your body will feel anxious the next time you are in a similar situation. This will continue until your body learns to remain relaxed in those situations. In order to do this, your body needs time to calm down. Repeated avoidance or escape from these situations deprives your body of this opportunity.

Not to mention, each time you avoid a close encounter you end up rewarding the anxiety with a sense of relief. Thus, encouraging the anxiety to return, as well as increasing the likelihood you will continue to avoid.

What to do? Continue on to the next post The CBT’s Ten Ways to Stop Avoidance and find out.

http://askthecognitivebehaviortherapist.wordpress.com/2009/04/03/the-cbt%E2%80%99s-ten-ways-to-stop-avoidance/

Similarly, I will advise my clients that are looking to meet new people to join groups and clubs, to attend networking events, lectures, classes and/or volunteer at organizations that attract people of similar interests and values.

I know this concept is not a new one. In fact, I am sure any matchmaker/dating coach will spew this rule out in their top ten things to do, as well as any good natured grandmother or mom will offer this up in their dating 101 Talk. “If you want a certain type of person, go to the place where they hang out”. Sounds simple enough, but is it?

When discussed these concepts are often met with resistance. Most people will generally focus on whether or not they technically belong to the defined group, expressing concern that they will be ignored or won’t have anything worthwhile to contribute.

I also commonly hear frustration from disappointment that these types of activities are not laden with an abundance of physically attractive people or boredom since these events usually lack the luster and excitement associated with socializing at the latest hot spot.

Here are a few of my counter arguments and suggestions:

1. Check out the rules- If are you feeling insecure about not technically belonging to the defined group, consider if it is a strictly exclusive gathering, were you invited and what will be the nature of the gathering. As long as you are not breaking any rules and it’s a casual mingling of social network, then most people will find a few attendees from other industries refreshing and interesting. Remember cross disciplines need each other to survive in business and not everyone is always one track minded!

2. Remember you are not alone- On top of that, other single people will appreciate the added variety to the event. Single people often attend these events with dual purposes in mind. No single-professional is going to ignore an opportunity to mingle with someone they find attractive just because the activity was meant for something else.

3. Prepare and show interest- If you are getting involved with something new and are concerned that you won’t have something to contribute, sound stupid or bored, then get more involved! Be prepared by doing some homework. Read up on some topics that might be interesting to the group or related to the activity. This will arm you with information, so you feel more in control and less vulnerable. This will also gain you immediate acceptance since most people like those who show a healthy interest in them or share common interests.

4. Boost your own excitement-
Gaining more knowledge and getting more involved will also boost your interest level beyond socializing. Widening your focus will help you become less inpatient if you don’t meet your prince or princess right away or don’t feel the same rush you get after a night out on the town.

5. Act dynamic! You came there for a reason. Social norms predict that most people will be primed to meet others at these types of activities. Meaning the situation will make people more open and receptive to new people, making it easier for you to introduce yourself. This is the time to strike!

Let me know how it turns out.
Dr Jayme